


Just an Expression

by welfybomb



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-20
Updated: 2010-09-20
Packaged: 2017-10-12 01:35:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welfybomb/pseuds/welfybomb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple misunderstanding leads Teal'c on a dangerous adventure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just an Expression

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tielan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tielan/gifts).



“Yeah, but Teal'c here could take on the whole Goa'uld army,” said Jack.

Teal'c stared unblinkingly at Jack.

“He could take those Jaffa out with his bare hands, and then destroy their ships. Couldn't you, Teal'c?” said Jack, clapping Teal'c on the shoulder.

“I'm not sure what you mean, O'Neill,” replied Teal'c evenly.

“Oh, sure you do, buddy. You could take them all with one hand tied behind your back. And be home in time for dinner,” said Jack jovially. “That's Teal'c.”

Daniel smiled. Sam smiled. Teal'c did not smile. General Hammond entered the room.

“People, we have a problem. The Goa'uld army on P3X-903 is ready to take off and head to Earth. We were lucky enough to get the intel on this invasion before they departed. We need to act. Do we have a plan yet?” asked Hammond.

“Yep,” smiled Jack. “Teal'c's going to take out the entire Goa'uld army single-handed.”

Hammond looked at Jack. Jack smiled at Hammond. Hammond looked at Teal'c. Teal'c stared hard at Jack.

“Okay, okay. Let's make a plan,” Jack conceded.

***

“The gate's dialing by itself!” yelled Walter.

“What?! How is that possible?” asked Jack.

“It's not,” replied Walter. “Someone must have taken over the dialing controls. I can't stop it!”

“What? But...” sputtered Jack, “Carter's right here!”

Sam glared at Jack. Then, she sat down at a control station.

“That's true,” conceded Walter. “So it must be someone else.”

“But...but...who?” asked Jack.

“Teal'c,” said Daniel, pointing.

Sure enough, Teal'c stood in the Gateroom in full gear.

“Teal'c!” called Jack through the intercom. “What the devil do you think you're doing?”

Teal'c nodded at Jack. The Gate finished dialing and the massive blue bubble burst out and then settled into a nice calming pool of swirly blue energy within the metal circle.

“Get someone in there and get HIM out of there,” ordered Jack.

“We already tried. The doors won't open,” said Walter.

Jack turned to Sam. “Shut down the Gate.”

“I'm trying. It's going to take a minute,” replied Sam.

“We don't have a minute! He's...” Jack cut off.

Teal'c stepped through the Gate.

“Gone,” finished Jack.

“I should have known,” said Sam shaking her head. “He set up the dialing sequence, then sent a virus through the system. It's the same one I used that one time that aliens took over the base. It even locks the doors. Clever.”

“Well, where did our CLEVER friend go?” asked Jack.

“And why?” added Daniel.

“Well, I can tell you where. He went to...” Sam paused. “P3X-903.”

“The planet with the Goa'uld army...” said Daniel.

“Dial it,” ordered Jack. “We're going after him.”

“We'll need to clear the virus out of the system before we can dial, or even get into the Gateroom,” said Sam. “We'll need to run a full system scan and then use the anti-virus program we created for this virus. It may even require a hard reboot of the system, which would...”

“How long?” interrupted Jack.

“Six hours,” said Sam.

“Six hours! Who knows how much trouble he could get into by then.”

***

Teal'c stealthily stalked the Jaffa soldiers on the outskirts of the army, being careful to stay under the cover of the woods. He was so very stealthy, that they didn't detect his approach, until...SNAP! The heads of all four Jaffa snapped towards the snapping sound of a snapping twig. They readied their weapons and moved into the woods. Teal'c smiled. This was too easy. He trailed a little farther into the woods, and then SNAP! He stepped on another twig. Predictably, the Jaffa followed. A few more repetitions, and they were far enough away to be out of earshot of the rest of the army.

BLAST! BLAST! BLAST! BLAST!

Teal'c took down the Jaffa with four elegant staff blasts. He surveyed his victory for a short time before returning to the edge of the woods. His smile faded as he looked out over the vast stretch of Jaffa, maybe 6,000 in all, the three Al'kesh ships, and the huge Ha'tak. This was taking too long. He would have to think of something else.

***

Explosions are fun and effective. This was something O'Neill had once said to Teal'c. And O'Neill was a great warrior and a great leader. He knew what he was talking about.

Teal'c circled the perimeter of the army looking for any sign of weapon caches. He spotted a huge metal shack. It seemed promising, but was quite far out; he would have to pass many Jaffa to reach it. Fortunately, Teal'c had borrowed the armor and clothing from one of the Jaffa he had killed in the woods. Unfortunately, it had a huge hole in the chest from the staff blast Teal'c had delivered. But Teal'c thought he might cover that up by holding his staff weapon strategically in front of him.

Confident in his disguise, Teal'c stepped out from the cover of the woods. He braced himself slightly, but none of the Jaffa even looked at him. Teal'c quickly strode up to the metal shack, and around to find a door. He did find a door. A heavily-guarded door.

“Jaffa kree!” called each of the seven guards. They held their staff weapons up and out to their sides in a kind of greeting.

“Jaffa kree!” replied Teal'c, keeping his staff weapon firmly in front of the hole in his disguise.

The seven guards glared at Teal'c, and did not move. “Kree!” one of them called again.

Teal'c stared back at them. Then slowly, he did the salute. “Kree!” he called.

The guards gasped pointing to the hole in the chest armor. Teal'c took this opportunity to shove the confused guards roughly aside and barge into the...pantry? Yes, Teal'c found that the metal shack was indeed filled to the brim with tasty meats and other Jaffa treats.

Meanwhile, the guards had more than gotten over their temporary shock, and were now bearing down on Teal'c with their weapons. SMACK! One of the guards got a face full of meat from a well-aiming Teal'c. BLAST! The shack was filled with the delectable smell of roasting meat from a not-so-well-aiming Jaffa.

Teal'c blasted the nearest guard, and then the side of the shack. He ducked through the smoking hole and ran flat out for the woods, blasting at random as he went. Explosions fell all around him, and he was spattered with debris. One shot grazed his arm, and he fell hard to the ground. He flipped over just in time to see a Zat leveled at his chest. A lightning-like streak shot towards him, and then all was darkness.

***

“Hrrrmmmph,” said Teal'c. He blinked open his eyes and looked around a dank prison cell. His head was pounding like a drum. His eyebrow itched, so he tried to scratch it, but was prevented from doing so by the cords binding his hands behind his back. “Hrrrmmph,” he repeated.

Teal'c maneuvered himself into a sitting position and looked out the bars of his cell. He could see nothing but the wall opposite him and the flickering light of a torch coming from somewhere down the hallway. The Goa'uld seemed to go out of their way to make their prisons dark and unwelcoming, as they had not put any windows in here. It was likely still daylight outside, but here they were using torches to light the prison. Teal'c thought this was a waste of fuel and that their leaders were obviously fools. He shook his head disapprovingly.

He stopped when he heard heavy footsteps coming down the hallway. Anger burned inside of him as he remembered his mission and realized how much time had probably been wasted by being captured. The footsteps were getting louder. Teal'c was getting angrier. He strained at his bindings. Pain shot through his left arm, the one that had been grazed when he was taken down. He growled, ignored the injured arm, and instead concentrated on freeing his right arm. The footsteps were close now. Teal'c twisted his right arm, and one strand of the bindings came loose. Two Jaffa prison guards stepped into view. They looked at Teal'c struggling, and laughed in a Jaffa-like way. They didn't laugh for long. A couple more deft twists of the arm, and Teal'c's right hand was free.

The Jaffa quickly sprang into action, unlocking the cell door, presumably to re-secure Teal'c hand. He'd never know for sure, because Teal'c sprang into action as well. Immediately, he was up on his feet, and as soon as the cell door opened, he launched his full 240 pounds of muscle at the guards. All three crashed to the ground outside the cell. Teal'c was the first to his feet. With his only free hand, he grabbed the nearest guard by the neck and smashed him against the wall. As that guard crumpled to the ground, the other grabbed Teal'c from behind. Teal'c spun, took hold of his armor, flung him into the cell, and closed the door.

Teal'c smiled in a satisfied way. He then went back to the problem of having one hand tied behind his back. Using his right hand, he reached behind him and pulled at the knots in the cord that still bound his left. Growing frustrated and impatient, he searched the crumpled guard for a knife. No knife. What kind of guard didn't carry a knife? thought Teal'c. Then, he heard footsteps approaching.

***

Teal'c hid in the shadows watching and waiting for the right moment. He had made his way stealthily to the bridge, with a short stop in an armory. Along the way, he had discovered to his delight that he was on board the Ha'tak ship. What good fortune.

As he made his way through the ship, Teal'c knew that his escape had been detected. However, no one appeared to be very concerned about it. But then, who would be concerned about a lone escaped prisoner?

Now, Teal'c was staring down into the bridge from an air duct in the ceiling. Still with one arm tied behind him, Teal'c found it difficult to aim the shock grenades, but with grenades, as O'Neill had once said, close enough is good enough. Teal'c gently tossed the grenades down into the room, and quickly ducked back into the ceiling. BLA-BLA-BLAM! Even though he was was covering his eyes, Teal'c still saw a little of the bright light produced by the grenades, and he felt the heat from the explosions. He waited for a few seconds, heard rustling in the room, then threw in a few more grenades for good measure. He smiled to himself as they exploded. Then the room was still.

***

Teal'c sat comfortably and confidently at the control panel of the Ha'tak ship. Using a staff weapon he had procured from one of the fallen Jaffa on the bridge, he had already secured the room with several staff blasts to the entryways. He could hear the sounds of angry Jaffa apparently attempting to break down the doors with their fists. It was sweet music to Teal'c's ears.

From watching Captain Carter on previous death-defying missions, Teal'c had learned the basic controls of a Goa'uld ship. Not that he'd ever used them. With Captain Carter around, there was no need for him to use these skills, but now that she was not here, Teal'c was glad he had paid such close attention. He started up the engines, which immediately made the thousands of Jaffa on the ground look up in surprise.

He maneuvered the craft into the air just slightly, hovering. He just wanted to get used to the controls at first. He made the ship do a couple of spins, and then stopped, feeling queasy. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that the Al'kesh ships were taking flight and heading towards him.

Teal'c reached for the weapon controls, but the Ha'tak ship started descending. Quickly, he reached back to the flight controls. This one-handed business was becoming a nuisance. The Al'kesh ships were closing in. Teal'c growled, and took off a shoe. He lifted his now-bare foot onto the flight controls to hold the ship steady and reached once again with his right hand for the weapon controls. It was really no contest. Each Al'kesh ship went down with single shot...from each of the 60 staff cannons on-board. Only one Al'kesh managed to return fire, and that shot sounded so hollow and pathetic to Teal'c as it clanged against the hull of the huge Ha'tak, that he laughed out loud.

In flames, the Al'kesh ships crashed down amidst the army of now fleeing Jaffa. Teal'c contemplated his next move, but did not have much time. A much less pathetic-sounding explosion sounded from just outside one of the doorways to the bridge. The metal of the door now bulged inwards, and a small hole allowed the angry Jaffa to peer in at him.

Teal'c flew the Ha'tak ship high, high in the air. Then, he put it on a collision course with the ground, right in the middle of the Goa'uld army. He used his newly acquired staff weapon to jam the controls. A blast erupted from the small hole in the door, narrowly missing Teal'c. Quickly, Teal'c pressed the controls for the transportation rings, dived under another staff blast, and rolled into position just as the rings came down.

***

“Okay, does everyone remember what we're going to do when we find him?” asked Jack.

The SG1 team, minus Teal'c, had just materialized through the Gate, and were heading through the woods.

“We're not going to kill him, sir,” said Sam.

“That's right,” said Jack. “I'M going to kill him!”

“We don't even know why he came here,” said Daniel. “Maybe he had a good reason.”

“Well it had better be a damned good reason! 'Cause...” Jack trailed off.

They had come to the edge of the woods, and an unbelievable sight greeted their eyes. The remains of a Ha'tak smoldered in the middle of what appeared to have been a Jaffa soldier training area. A few other piles of ship remains littered the area. And Jaffa were strewn everywhere. Nothing moved.

“Hello, O'Neill,” boomed a voice from behind them.

All three jumped about a foot in the air. There stood Teal'c, one arm still tied behind his back. He looked worn, exhausted, and slightly burned, but otherwise fine.

“Teal'c!” said Jack unnecessarily. “What...where...how...? Do you mind telling us what's going on?”

Teal'c smiled. “I have completed the mission.”

Jack was at a loss for words. So, Sam said, “What mission?”

“To destroy the Goa'uld army.”

Jack had recovered. “But that was supposed to be all of us. Plus SG11. Plus SG4. Plus about 500 troops for backup. And we weren't heading out until tomorrow!”

Teal'c just stared.

“Are you telling me that you took out this whole army single-handed?”

“So to speak,” said Daniel pointing at Teal'c still bound left arm.

Sam tried to stifle a giggle. She failed. Jack shot Sam an angry look.

“O'Neill, did you not say that I should take on the whole Goa'uld army?”

Jack looked confused for a minute. Then understanding crept across his face. “Oh, you mean when I was joking around? I was...joking around.”

“Did you not say I should destroy their ships?”

“Uh...yes, but...”

“Did you not say that I should take them single-handed?”

“Uh, I believe I said 'could'...”

“And did you not say that I should be home in time for dinner?”

“Teal'c, you can't be serious...”

Teal'c leaned closer to Jack. He looked concerned. “O'Neill, have I missed dinner?”


End file.
